Remembering does not equal Reliving

Author and Survivor T.E. Best shares some of her story with us.


Remembering an event in the past that may have been traumatic does not mean that you have to relive the event. In fact we can program ourselves to use those memories as tools for our future success/s. In my late twenties I had gone out to dinner with my husband to a lovely seafood restaurant and afterwards he took me to one of my favorite ice cream Shoppe’s. All was well and a lovely time was had, but it seemed within a matter of just two hours I found myself sprawled half-way across the couch and half-way on the floor; double over in excruciating pain. Over the next few days I wasn't able to hold down anything, no food, not even water. And I found myself vomiting bile. It turned out that I had been walking about with gall stones the size of half dollars trapped within the walls of my gallbladder. After the surgery, my gastroenterologist politely informed me that I had become “morbidly” obese; stating that he had never seen a more traumatic case of gallstones in all of his studies while implying that he was surprised that it had gone unnoticed for so long. While I am certain that he brought plenty of important facts and information to the table, the only words that seem to register as I sat in the hospital bed with a drainage bag attached to the side where my gall bladder once lived; was “morbidly obese”. And suddenly, I began to remember when my addiction to food began.

I remember. As a child I was constantly being told how pretty and even beautiful I was leading up to when the sexual abuse began. And even while it was going on, I remember the stares I would get from men/boys caught by how pretty they thought I was. And then I remembered that I like countless others, I’d made the decision to be “ugly”. I thought that if I were fat, I would be ugly (not true). And so I ate. As I began the recovery process from the gallbladder surgery I decided that I would no longer allow my past to dictate my future and that I would regain control over an area in my life that had spiraled close to 200 pounds out of control. It was then that my journey to weight loss began, but more importantly it was then that I realized the power in remembering.

I have since been able to link practices and decisions to memories from my past. I've also been able to use past memories as tools for a more productive life. Once we begin to identify those things that trigger poor choices even when they are directly linked to a past abuse we are able to regain control in that area. It is then that we learn, grow and help others. Realizing that remembering does not equal reliving a thing has become a source of power for me.


To learn more about T.E. Best, please visit her websites www.authortebest.com

www.amazon.com/author/tebest

Souyenne Dathorne's Story

I try not to do this too often. Thinking about the past is never a joyful experience. My words here are my memories of what was done to me for too long. I guess before I start rambling I should say that the story I am writing here is my own and I am writing because I m a survivor of Sibling Sexual Abuse. My name is Souyenne Dathorne and I live in St.Lucia, an island in the Caribbean. I am from a family of 5, I am my father’s eldest daughter and child; my abuser hasn't been counted in this because I do better when I am able to block his existence from my life. My abuser is my older half brother. He was mean and hurtful and took so much away from me. I suffered psychological, physical and sexual abuse at his hands. I for a long time only saw the sexual abuse but the more I think about it all the more I see the many ways he damaged me.  I have more good days than bad days now.

My memories of what exactly were done to me when I was young have been carefully tucked away for so long that trying to get to them has been hard. I couldn't tell you how it started but I remember the progression. I was a child 4/5, I will never be sure about my age when it started because all I have are images of what I looked like at that age. I guess it started out rather innocently. We were playing under covers I can’t tell you what happened I do know there is a vague memory of someone asking what is going on and then saying that this would be discussed when my mom got home. I don’t ever remember the discussion; if it happened it never deterred him. I believe that was the beginning of my abuse.  I can’t tell you when it went from that to him coming into the room at night’s. He would offer to read to me at nights and wait until I fell asleep to get under the covers behind me. Then he would push it between my legs from behind. I would squeeze my legs together to push it out but that never stopped him; in fact it caused him to push harder. I learned to stop and just let it happen. Once he was done he would get up and leave. I tried to fight falling asleep but he would wait until Id fallen asleep to come back. I would say I didn't want him to read to me but then the questions would come as to why I didn't want him reading. He was always so eager to read my parents thought it was good for us both. There is one memory that has stuck with me no matter what I do. He has me kneeling on the floor and he’s behind me- the next thing I know I have sperm running down my legs, my mom has just pulled into the drive way and he says go clean up. He walks out like nothing has happened and my mom never suspects a thing. 

The threats of being hated by my parents if I told were a constant. They will be angry at you he would say; they will never do me anything. And years after I sit and think he was right all along. They never did him anything he was never punished, never reprimanded. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect him to get away with it. I used to confront him every chance I got; because for the most part I believe I am not believed. He used to deny it but now he just says and so what. His stories as to what happened and how many times it happened and why it happened vary constantly. Then I sit and reflect on what he’s done to me, what he’s said to me and how that has made me feel and can’t find it in me to ever forgive him.  I can’t see how anyone else can forgive him. He used to live at home with my parents; and once again it feels like I am the one who has done something wrong. My aunt has told me to stop trying to ruin his life; that I should remain silent. My cousin has said that he didn't know what he was doing. He is 9 years older than me. That would have made him 13 when he started abusing me. And if he didn't know then, then how does he explain the next 7 years of abuse? And if he didn't know what he was doing was wrong then why threaten me?

I have just become a mom and everyday I think about all that could happen to him. I have done a great job thus far keeping him away from my child and will continue to do whatever it takes to keep him away. Abuse makes you stronger, it makes you wiser, it also makes you more afraid. I know the dangers out there and the damage they do. I fear every minute of everyday for my own child. I worry that I will be too over protective in trying to protect him from the pain I suffer with. How do you not worry when you've lived it?

For a long time I have hated me and there are days when I still do. Never really felt that I fit in anywhere or that I belonged. Never thought that I was worthy of love and for the most part I’m still desperately struggling with that. Never liked what I saw in the mirror when I saw anything at all. I have made my body my canvas and sought to surround myself with images of strength and beauty. I think that all of us who are survivors of sexual assault deal with these issues. We lose who we are through the abuse and have a hard time trying to find a way back. But there is always a path that leads to happiness and fulfillment, I struggle still trying to find the path and stay on it. It’s not always an easy road but we are survivors. We are not alone in our pursuit of happiness. There are other walking beside us, ahead of us and behind us. Don’t give up or in. Our voices will lead us to freedom. We speak out to help ourselves and those around us. This is a battle for many that I am fighting with many. I recite to myself continuously that I am not defined by my abuse, that it is something that was done to me.

I fight for women of the Caribbean who are afraid to speak out.

Souyenne Dathorne

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908

https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy

Https://www.prosaf.org

March's Share Your Story

This month and the next few months we are going to do something a little different.  I recently crossed paths with an extraordinary woman named Ruth Jacobs who is also an advocate for change in the world when it comes to sexual abuse and trafficking.  Ruth is an author of many different books that touch on the harsh realities of life as a prostitute.  Her website, which is dedicated to survivors, has a long list of amazing interviews with survivors of sexual abuse, trafficking, and prostitution.
We will begin this month with one of Ruth's interviews with Chris Stark, Child Trafficking Survivor, Award Winning Writer, and Visual Artist.

How did you become involved in supporting the abolition of prostitution?

Various family members sold me in a prostitution and pornography ring throughout my childhood and teen years. I always wanted to get away from them but since I knew what happened to kids who ended up on the street, I never ran away. I figured my best chance at survival was to stay home and get away by going to college. If I had run away, I would have become more expendable. They would have either caught me and punished me, or I would have ‘disappeared’. Given that I was used by my family, they had more accountability toward me than a youth picked up on the street by a pimp. For instance, they could only bruise me where the marks would not be seen. Bruises couldn't show on my arms and legs and face. Plus, if one day I just disappeared, they would have to answer questions from the school and others. I was, in a very real sense, an investment to them – they’d been using me since a young age. To them, when I was a five-year-old girl, I was forty pounds of gold that would only bring in more as the years went by.

So when I did manage to move five hours away to attend college and once I quit drinking and using drugs, my past immediately overtook my life. I always hated injustice – big and small – and what I’d been through and what I’d seen others go through was one hell of an injustice. I started to speak out against prostitution at twenty-one years of age, but at that time (early 90s) feminists did not want to deal with this issue anymore and no one would listen to me. The only way I could get someone to listen was to intertwine political points with my own experiences as a survivor. I wanted to stop prostitution. I wanted to help others, but I also became involved to save my own life because by speaking out I made it harder for the perpetrators to get me back. Immediately upon speaking out, many other survivors privately told me their stories. And that, of course, fueled my desire to speak out. Their stories became part of me and, in that way, I was not alone.

What draws you to support and advocate for people in prostitution?

A desire for justice, a desire to end systems of prostitution, and a desire to create more space in this world for other survivors to exist. I know a whole lot – from my own experiences, but also from reading, working as an activist, and listening to many, many other survivors. I want to be part of a global movement to end this thing that nearly destroyed my life.  I want to live in a world where children and women do not have to figure out a way to get up the morning after being tortured the night before. I want to live in a world where women and children are not sold for men’s pleasure.

What does your work in this area involve?

I have been a grass roots activist for twenty-three years – organizing speeches, protests, survivor art shows, boycotts, bus tours of sites of prostitution, and so on. In my twenties, I also began speaking and giving trainings about prostitution and other social justice issues at conferences, law schools, rallies, rape crisis centers, and universities. But what I really wanted throughout that time was to write – that was what I’d always wanted to do since I was a girl, but I didn't think I was good enough, or smart enough to write. Also, I spent my twenties in extreme physical and emotional pain, barely able to cope with the fall out of a couple of decades of being raped and beaten, so I couldn't concentrate much anyway. But then, one day, I wrote an essay, and was invited to present it at a conference in Russia. After that, I found more confidence and I wrote. In 2004, I co-edited an international anthology with Rebecca Whisnant called Not for Sale: Feminists Resisting Prostitution and Pornography. Since then, I've published a fair amount, including my first novel about incest, dissociation, and girls in athletics called Nickels: A Tale of Dissociation. Nickels was a Lambda Literary Award finalist and I was thrilled. Currently, I’m finishing my second novel and then I’m going to complete my memoir. Most importantly, I was one of six women (five of whom are Native) who designed, researched, and wrote Garden of Truth: The Prostitution and Trafficking of Native Women in Minnesota. As a Native woman, bringing forward Native prostituted women’s voices and the dreams they have for their lives is very important to me.

As a survivor/activist are there issues you face by speaking out? 

It is frustrating that people can believe stories of abuse if they are told by an ‘expert’, especially if the expert is male. In my experience, it is often more difficult for the audience to process this same information when a female survivor is telling it – that is, if we are ever given the opportunity to have a wide audience, which is rare. I think there are understandable, albeit unfortunate, reasons for this. For instance, in the U.S. we have been taught to believe white, educated, male authority figures. One result of this is that people who belong to one or more these categories carry more credibility; their words determine what is accepted as real and what matters in the world. In contrast, the survivor is under immediate suspicion simply for being a survivor. She must dig herself out of a hole from the get-go. This results in, among other things, silencing and marginalizing the voices and talents of those who have been there. Of course, it is crucial that non-survivors are doing this work, but it’s also frustrating because ‘experts’ typically have access to power that survivors do not. It is rare for survivors to have a place at the table where we are respected and acknowledged as talented, intelligent, and capable women who also have firsthand experience of the subject. This must change. 

What legal improvements or changes would help to abolish prostitution?

I think the Dworkin/MacKinnon Ordinance should be revived and I think the Swedish model should be implemented. Also, at the same time that we are working to create escape routes for prostituted women and children, political focus needs to be placed on the men who make the choice to buy another human being. Of course, this means putting the legal and social spotlight on stopping men who buy and sell prostituted people.

For anyone else who wants to be involved, what can other people do to help?

That’s an enormous question, because really each of us has our own niches and talents, and each of us can use her or his talents to bring awareness and place political pressure on the system to force it to change from one that blames and stigmatizes prostituted people to one that holds men accountable for making the choice to buy women and children for sex. We must make not only prostitution, but all forms of violence against women and children election issues. We must force the system to move toward that arc of justice that Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke of, and we must not let fear and timidity stop us.

What are your plans for the future?

I am finishing my second novel, Carnival Lights, which has been accepted for publication by the same press that published Nickels and I am in my first year of an MSW program that specializes in American Indian issues. I continue to speak and do trainings and create artwork. Upon completion of my MSW, I hope to be involved once again with community research projects, because it is crucial that the voices of those who are marginalized and silenced are at the center of this work. The voices of the Native women we interviewed resonate strongly in the lives of those of us who participated in the ‘Garden of Truth’ report. We feel a profound responsibility to continue this work so that Native women are safe and respected.

Recommended websites/further reading:

www.christinestark.com.
www.ruthjacobs.co.uk




Thank you so much Ruth for your hard work and dedication.  We here at Restoration Life Foundation appreciate ALL of the interviews you provided, and I can speak for everyone here at RLF as well as our subscribers when I say that we look forward to reading the rest of the interviews!

Sexual Abuse in Our Education System

Alaine Kristine, editor at
Restoration Life Foundation


There is no such thing as a perfectly safe place for your children; this includes parks, churches, youth organizations, and schools.  As a parent, you can do everything possible to make sure your children aren’t exposed to violence or abuse, but somehow it can sneak up on you.  As a parent myself, I know that I have made countless efforts to ensure the safety of my children.  This means I check out their “references” and follow through with a face-to-face interview with their friends, their friends’ parents, and their friends’ friends.  I make sure I know exactly where my kids are before and after school, and they ALWAYS ask me permission to go anywhere, even if it’s down the street.  My family members and closest friends have always been my babysitters, and my children have ALWAYS been enrolled in excellent public schools, located in safe neighborhoods.  But all of that doesn’t mean a thing, because regardless of how careful we are at selecting who our children hang out with, or what schools they attend, violence and abuse knows no boundaries and can easily infiltrate the best schools and “safest” neighborhoods.

A study prepared by the Associated Press shows that there were 2,500 incidents of sexual misconduct in American public schools over a 5 year period and estimated that 4.5 million students from Kindergarten through 12^th grade have suffered from sexual misconduct in one given year.  3 million of those the 4.5 million students experienced touching or assault, the other 1.5 million were verbally harassed or experienced inappropriate communication online.  The ratio of school days to abusive teachers is 1:3.  This means that for every 1 school day, there are 3 abusive teachers in the nation.  Between 1-5% of all teachers sexually harass or abuse a student, and 62% of sexual assault cases result in revocation of their teacher’s certification.  What happened to the other 38%?  Nearly 54% of abusers either resigned, weren’t rehired, retired, or were terminated, and 16% of the 54% were found teaching in other schools.

Sexually abusive teachers continue to take advantage even though people convicted of abuse face tough sentences and register as sex offenders.  One of the reasons sexual abuse continues to increase in the school system is because many Americans deny the problem and even treat the abuse with misplaced fascination.  School administrators make behind-the-scenes deals with victims to avoid lawsuits and public embarrassment.  Teachers, administrators, and even parents frequently don’t recognize the signs that a crime is taking place.  Too often problem teachers are allowed to leave quietly, which can mean future abuse for another student in another district.  It’s called “passing the trash” or the “mobile molester”.  There are some laws in place that require the misconduct to be reported to state departments that oversee teachers’ licenses, but there is still no consistent enforcement.  

Only 12 out of 50 states have school boards that are limiting teacher-student contact on social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter.  In fact, in New York alone from 2010-2011, there were 85 reports of inappropriate communications between teachers and students involving Facebook, and only 8 reports in 2008-2009.  With these numbers increasingly rising, what can we do as parents to protect our children?

Fortunately with the internet and social media, there are a TON of different resources where you can learn how to protect your child from sexual abuse.  Below are some references you can use to learn more about different methods for protection from abuse and prevention.

For now, information is key.  Inform your children about the proper names for their private parts.  Let them know the difference between good touch and bad touch, and how it is NEVER okay for ANYONE to touch them in a way that makes them feel uneasy.  Teach them not to place themselves in compromising situations, such as meeting with a teacher in their classroom alone. 

There is no guarantee that your child will be protected from sexual abuse just as there is no guarantee that your child will be unprotected.  All we can do as parents is our best to ensure we know our children.  Know who they are with and what they are doing.  Always have that open line of communication, and make sure they know that they can trust you, even with their deepest, darkest secret.

RESOURCES

Pandora’s Project

Parenting

Darkness to Light

Written by : Alaine Kristine
Restoration Life Foundation